having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.