Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.