I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
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people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
No Google it does not
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.