The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.