Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.