You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
this will hang in the louvre one day
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂