[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.