*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.