I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My life in a nutshell
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”