*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Am I having a stroke?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.