Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.