*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.