There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: