No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.