THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant