nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.