I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!