therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.