Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer