“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
the last thing a carrot sees
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her