ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
You Might Also Like
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Cannot stop laughing at this
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.