Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
can’t believe I got front row seats
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Ugh
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?