Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion