so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄