If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
😅🤣😂
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.