Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
You Might Also Like
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
absolute chaos
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.