Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂