My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.