Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
nice challenge
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.