When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
You Might Also Like
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..