People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
The Book. The Movie.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.