Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
i wish i could marry a nap
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?