A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”