Never go to sleep after making me angry
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You learn something every day
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
my mind
You just read my mind
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.