Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
You Might Also Like
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Friends that check up on you >
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.