Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.