*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
He took my last fry, your honor
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.