Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.