Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool 鉂わ笍 my culture is not your costume
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don鈥檛 drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Alexa: *deep breath*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It鈥檚 going to be tight; we can do it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Cutest fight ever.. 馃槉
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If there鈥檚 a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
He鈥檚 mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.