[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
The pen is writier than the sword.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?