This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I mean…but I did
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.