Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft