How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping