I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
You Might Also Like
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.