So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
You Might Also Like
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse