[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
We have a winner.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes