2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.