*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience