The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
That’s no pocket rocket.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming