How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
A completely valid reaction tbh
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed